I reserved this a while ago, and while I know Cora can't verbally communicate yet (although she can get her opinions across...), this will come in handy. I even wrote down the main points, since I can't write in the library book like it wanted me to and I read it alone and couldn't role play like parts wanted me to.
1) Helping Children deal with their feelings:
- Acknowledge their feelings
- Instead of half listening, listen with full attention
- Instead of questions and advice, acknowledge with a word
- Instead of denying a feeling, give it a name
- Instead of explanations and logic, give the child his wishes in a fantasy
This was the section that I had the hardest time relating to. She was saying that when the child comes to you, instead of jumping in you should say "Oh!" or "You are feeling frustrated when---" etc. That sounds very stiff and silly to me. I'll have to see if it works.
2) Engaging Cooperation:
- Describe the situation
- Give information
- Say it with a word, not a paragraph
- Talk about your feelings, not the child's character or personality
- Write a note
This section was very logical and insightful. As a parent, we need to be very careful to not put the child on the defense when we want to approach an issue. That never helps anyone. And I think if you start writing notes from the get-go, it won't seem so awkward.
3) Alternatives to Punishment:
- Point out a way to be helpful
- Express strong disapproval without attacking their character
- Offer a choice
- Take action
- Allow the child to experience the consequences
I totally agree with not attacking a child's personality or character. Instead of saying "You are so scatterbrained!", you could say "I am very upset that you forgot your notebook again!" And I am all for allowing the child to experience the consequences, because I feel that is really the best way they will ultimately learn a lesson.
4) Problem Solving:
- Talk about the child's feelings and needs
- Talk about YOUR feelings and needs
- Brainstorm to find a mutually agreeable solution
- Write down all the ideas without ruling any out
- Decide which suggestions you like, don't like, and which ones you plan to follow through on
This is a great way to make sure both parties feel validated, and they come to an agreement that they both feel good about. But both parties need to be willing to compromise, otherwise it will never work out.
5) Encouraging Autonomy:
- Let children make choices
- Show respect for a child's struggle
- Don't ask too many questions
- Don't rush to answer their questions
- Encourage children to use sources outside the home
- Don't take away hope
- Let them have their own body
- Stay out of the minutiae of a child's life
- Don't talk about a child in front of them- no matter how young!
- Let a child answer for themselves
- Show respect for your child's eventual "readiness"
- Watch out for too many "no"s
I have been reading articles about why parents don't make their child hug people. And at first I thought that was stupid, but then I saw the wisdom behind it. While children should always be polite and kind, they should know that even at a young age they have a say over who touches them and who doesn't.
6) Praise:
Instead of using words like "good", "wonderful" or other generic praise words-
- Describe what you see
- Describe what you feel
- Sum up accomplishments in a word
Some cautions:
- Make sure your praise is appropriate for age and ability
- Avoid the kind of praise that hints at past weaknesses or failures
- Be aware that excessive enthusiasm can interfere with a child's desire to accomplish for himself or herself.
- Be prepared for a lot of repetition of the same activity when you describe what a child is doing appreciatively.
I learned all those things in Child Development. If you tell a child that their painting is "great", they won't think you are actually paying attention. Instead, describe specific parts of the painting. Tell them that you appreciate the colors. That way they know you are really noticing it.
7) Freeing children from labels:
- Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself or herself
- Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently
- Let children overhear you say something positive about them
- Model the behavior you would like to see
- Be a storehouse for your child's special moments
- When your child behaves according to the old label, set your feelings and/or your expectations
I like this chapter a lot. The author talks about how her oldest son, literally from the time he was born, was labeled as "stubborn". After a while, she realized that he was capable of being open-minded, he just didn't want to because he was just fulfilling his label. She even talked about how positive labels (my good girl, you're just the most mellow, etc.) can be stressful on a child. Working in Special Ed I really saw that. My students would come forward saying that they were dumb and there was no point, they were bad kids, etc. So while Cora's personality right now is a mellow one, she may not always have that personality. And I don't want to be the one that stresses her out about feeling like she needs to act a certain way, or to give up because she "just is that way".
Overall, I think there are some very valid points in this book. While I felt a little bit silly thinking of talking the way they said the parents spoke to their children, I can see how it polarizes the parents vs. children less. But I also appreciated that the authors said they slipped up and went back to their old ways from time to time. I really want to try this method, and I don't want to beat myself up too much if (when) I mess up.
