April 2020 Book Club book- "When Breath Becomes Air" by Paul Kalinithi

Wow. This book was just. WOW.

Brandon actually requested this book a while ago, so I was surprised when someone suggested it and we already had it on the shelves. It's the story of a man that is diagnosed with terminal lung cancer during his residency. He was working in neurosurgery, and was interested in the brain from a philosophical as well as medical perspective.

Paul was newly married when he was diagnosed, and they hadn't even begun to start a family when this diagnosis came. They knew he had a death sentence, so they weren't sure if they should have a baby. Ultimately they did, and it was hard to prepare for a new life coming into a family while preparing for the end of his own.

Paul learned a lot about life and death during his residency. His first death was a mother who had premature twins that died during the first night of their lives. He struggled to make sense of it, but it was not his only experience. As a neurosurgeon, your hands are the difference between someone recovering and being paralyzed or dying during surgery. Needing to tell a family that their family member died at your hands is a devastating event. One of the doctors he was in residency with committed suicide years later.

Paul ultimately died before finishing this book, which means his wife wrote the epilogue. I cried so much through that. His sweet baby was not even a year old when he died, and she seemed so sweet.

So, what would you do when you are faced with your own immortality? Would you feel like you had done enough? Paul seemed like he was on track to change the world. It seems so unfair that his life was cut so short!

If I knew I had a year left (or 2, he died 22 months after his diagnosis), I would just spend it all with my family. I would make sure I got to see every single person I loved, and as much as I'd like to say I'd want to travel I think I would just focus on the memories I'd make at home. Because my kids are young enough that I would want them to just remember me as I am at home. I'm grateful I have more than 2 years left, so when I think of this book it renews my desire to do better!

"Big Little Lies" by Liane Moriarty

I've heard a lot about how good this book is, and the HBO series it is based on. So I started listening to it when I had some time to myself (which is hard during lockdown). I had no idea what it was based on, besides a group of kindergarten moms. Since I'll be joining that group next year, I thought why not?

It was FASCINATING. 

PLOT

It starts with a group of elementary age parents getting into a brawl at a school trivia night, and then you find out they are being interrogated for a murder. Throughout the story, you hear gossipy things that the moms are saying about what had happened to lead up to this point (which also helps eliminate which character is dead).

The book then goes back 6 months in time. The main characters are Jane, a single mom of Ziggy; Madeline, the mother of Chloe; Renata, the mother of Amabela (NOT Annabella); and Celeste, the mother of twins Josh and Max. Madeline and Jane meet because Madeline twisted her ankle getting in teenagers' faces for texting while driving. Jane was behind her and helped her when they found out they were going in the same direction. They drop their kids off and go get coffee. When the kids are leaving, Amabela starts crying and said someone attacked her as they were leaving. She then points out Ziggy. Renata flies off the handle and demands he apologize. But he said he didn't do it, and Jane defends him. This begins all the drama.

The next 6 months are told through different perspectives. You find out Celeste is tall, blonde, and beautiful, and seems to have the perfect life. Her husband, Perry, is also tall blonde and beautiful, and very wealthy. However, she keeps thinking about how long she has until she can leave him. It sounds odd, since they seem to love each other a lot.

Jane was only 19 when she got pregnant with Ziggy. It was a one night stand, and she says she doesn't know the name of his dad. When she tells Madeline this, Madeline tells Jane she has a child from a previous marriage. Abigail's dad split when she was a baby, and didn't come back into her life until she was 10. He's now remarried to a yoga vegan organic woman named Bonnie, and they have a daughter named Skye that is Chloe's age. Abigail is starting to listen to what Bonnie says, and wants to go vegan. Madeline is bothered that her ex husband (Nathan) lives in the same school boundaries as her, and that Abigail loves to be around him when he was an absent dad for the first 10 years of her life.

As time goes on, they find out that someone is still bullying Amabela at school. But she will not say who did it. Renata assumes that it is Ziggy again (even though Ziggy keeps saying "I don't want to talk about it" when Jane asks him), and her best friend Harper creates a petition to get Ziggy suspended.

There is also a book club that Madeline forms, which she calls an "Erotic Book Club" even though that isn't accurate. It's more to get the other moms wound up. You learn a little bit more about Jane, and that she worries that Ziggy might end up to be like his dad. It turns out she DOES know his name, which she tells to Madeline. She has also become better friends with Celeste, and tells her the story of her one night stand but doesn't say his name. It turns out the father, whose name is Saxon Banks, was an older man who charmed Jane in a bar and then took her to his hotel room. Once they got there, he turned horrible and abusive. He said awful things to her, and choked her. Once she found out she was pregnant, it was too late. Madeline Googled Saxon Banks, and found out he has 3 other children. When Madeline mentioned his name to Celeste, she found out he was Perry's cousin.

Perry, as it turns out, is not perfect. He is abusive. They have tried marriage counseling time and time again, but each time he says what he needs to say and then goes along his way. Celeste finally goes to see a domestic violence counselor, and Susan encourages her to find a new place for her and the children to go the next time it happens. Celeste drags her feet, but finally gets a tiny 2 bedroom apartment and begins to furnish it.

Madeline finds out that her daughter has been reading about the child marriages and is horrified. Abigail wants to do something about it, and says that she has an idea. Turns out the "idea" is a website auctioning off her virginity, the proceeds going to UNICEF. Madeline and Nathan are working toward shutting it down, and Madeline blames Nathan and Bonnie for not supervising Abigail well enough. Abigail finally decides to take the site down after a man named Larry Fitzgerald send her an email that says he will donate $100,000 to UNICEF if she takes it down.

There is an award ceremony before the trivia night, and when Perry asks about the petition (he works with Renata) and Celeste says "If you sign the petition Perry, I will leave you". They all laugh it off, but when they get home Perry slams her head into the wall.

The day of the trivia night brought about a lot of revelations. Jane and Ziggy are eating at a coffee shop when Ziggy suddenly says that he can't tell Jane who was bullying Amabela because he said he'd kill her. Jane is horrified, but asks if he can write it down so that way he can keep his promise and she can know. Ziggy writes down "Maks". Jane realizes it is one of Celeste's boys that has been psychopathic and attacking the girls in his class. Because now it isn't just Amabela. He also pushed Bonnie's little girl, Skye, down the stairs.
Celeste is getting ready for the trivia night. Josh comes and tells her that it is Max who has been bullying the girls in his class. Celeste knows she needs to get out. Perry picks up her phone, and it's the manager of the apartment Celeste has gotten. He discovers that she is going to leave him.

SO, things are heated at the Trivia night.

Madeline and Bonnie get into a fight because Madeline hates that they live so close. Celeste tells Renata that it was her boy that has been bullying Amabela and not Ziggy, and that she is so sorry and wants to make amends. Madeline works out that it was CELESTE, not Larry Fitzgerald, who donated $100,000 to UNICEF. Perry didn't know about it. When Jane comes out onto the balcony and sees Perry, she freezes. HE IS SAXON BANKS. (I actually gasped out loud when this was revealed.) When Celeste confronts him, Perry hits her. That is the first anyone sees of the violence that has been going on in their marriage. To everyone's shock, it is BONNIE who shoves Perry. Due to the rain, intoxication of the crowds (the drinks were improperly mixed), and the surprise of little calm Bonnie reacting so angrily, Perry loses his footing and falls off the balcony. The people who were around decided that they wouldn't say anything to the police about who did it.

Madeline and Jane both got hurt in the process, and Nathan came to visit Madeline in the hospital. He said that Bonnie had a difficult childhood with an abusive dad. She suffers from PTSD as a result of this, and he thinks this is why she attacked Perry that way. Ed (Madeline's current husband) doesn't know if he can go through with covering up the murder, and was about to go to the police department to give his statement when Celeste calls Madeline. She says that Bonnie came to see her and said she was going to confess. Madeline stops Ed from lying, and he is immensely relieved.

Perry's funeral is one that talks about what a wonderful husband and dad he was. People cry and talk about how they'll miss him. Madeline notices that Celeste doesn't cry.

The school year ends with Renata and Amabela about to move to London (her husband- and many other men- had an affair with the nanny). The children have become friends again, and the parents are working on it.

THOUGHTS

Ok, a lot to unpack here. There was a lot of language in the book, which explains why the show would be on HBO. There would be no other way to accurately represent it.

One thought I had was that you never really know what is going on behind closed doors. Celeste and Perry looked like they had the perfect marriage. Even I was wondering why she was talking about "when the boys graduate, then I'll leave him". But nobody should live their marriage in fear. Jane was judged because of a false accusation, and everything she did was scrutinized after that. They said she had an affair with one of the dads (turned out she started to date the man who ran the local coffee shop... that everyone thought was gay for some reason).

Another thought was how quickly gossip spreads. Madeline even set them up, by creating her "erotic book club". People were SCANDALIZED without knowing what was happening. Once they found out about the nanny having affairs with a bunch of the dads, all the moms had an opinion on whether it was Renata's fault for not watching her so closely. They weren't sure if the teacher was competent because the bullying went on in the classroom.

Bottom line- don't judge. Even though I know I'd be up in arms if someone attacked my child in a classroom, I would not allow a petition to suspend the accused to be formed.